Wenx’ World: A question of will.

I woke up on the ground, the dirty dusty ground. It was pitch black around me, I was alone, just a small light shining from my head torch straight down into the dirt and rocks that I was lying in. I hadn’t been sleeping, but I suddenly came to my senses.

So there I was flat on the ground in the forest. I was running, I must have tripped, and only broke out of my running meditation when I hit the ground. I lifted my hands out of the dirt, my left knee hurt, my elbow hurt. Tears shot into my eyes. How did I even get here?

The injuries seemed acceptable, I should get up and keep moving. But all I wanted at this point was just to lie there. Lie in the dark, lie in the dust, cry and feel sorry for myself. The other runners ahead, all male and endurance freaks, didn’t notice my fall, they kept on running. I was alone. And lonely. Left behind, in the dirt and in the dark. I still didn’t move. Was this the story of my life? Have I ever been competing with the best because I could? Have I been losing against them because they are the best? And is that why I have ended up often being alone and going my own way? Whereas I could have just joined the ‘average’ crowd?

Just this week I had 3 friends ‘leave’ me for perfectly fine reasons, such as ‘I’m moving back home.’ Guys who announced their fading from my life, and, being alone in the bush, gave me an insight of the darkness and loneliness I might encounter without those people.

In the dark of the forest, I had 2 options: either keep crying and wait for the guys to come looking for me or pick myself up and see what it feels like to keep moving. Of course,  I opted for the latter. The knee hurt quite a bit the first 100 meters or so, my mind was slightly traumatised to fall again. It was hard to see the track with watery eyes. I started out slowly… and soon the pain faded, my heart slowed down, the trust in myself came back.

By the time the sun came up, my knee still hurt. But I was running with the guys.

And for my leaving friends… yes, there might be a dark lonely stretch. But bleeding knees and bruised legs make great small talk openers, even to strangers. I’m sure there will be sunny social days again.